you just have to mentally tell yourself, that’s it. I’m determined for these goals and nothing is going to stop me, I won’t hinder my own progress. Recently, a coworker friend decided to join me at the gym, she’s working in with my sets (surprisingly it isn’t too bad). Normally, I don’t allow people into this lifting world of mine, I’m focused and do NOT like being distracted.  I’ve also learned by now that my best workouts are done first thing in the morning to start my day. Monday’s are difficult, I picked up a morning job that I have to be on the other side of town early by (this is LA-other side of town could mean the next city), so I’m forced to hit the gym after I get off that day, usually by noon or 1. Shit time to be at the gym. Good thing is, Monday’s are international chest day and I do glutes, yay. Ok, so..today, 2 more (different) coworkers show to work in with me.  It was a little pain bc of the length of time it took BUT I will say that having them there wouldn’t allow me to take too long between sets. Aaaaaand um hello?  I cant be looking like an ass,  struggling with the iron. So it wasn’t too bad. As long as they don’t hinder my workout, I’m cool with it, at least for now. 

Saturday I did crossfit and the WOD was partners, , 3 sets of 7 AMRAP in a minute….5 burpees EMOM, 10 toes to bar and 10 wall balls. The toes to bar shredded my calluses, forced them to split and peel off, and bleed. Fucking ow. My hands are wrapped to be able to lift and lol-people are looking at me scared, everyone’s jumping outa my way. Made my sumo deads interesting today. No gloves, no straps. All me. Proud of that. 

Moving on and back to that accountability I mentioned yesterday. Usually I weigh myself in the mornings after I’ve eaten meal 1 for consistency. Since I don’t have a scale at home, that wasn’t possible until I had 2 meals in. Here we have it 

  
That reads 169. Cool with it but my clothes are not, so today begins a new venture. Dropping those pounds. Who knows, I may change my mind when my body starts changing.  I’ll update as I see fit. Every few days, every day?  Use this to keep me mentally on point when I feel like cheating?  Thanks for being there 😊👍

Gots to go prep my salad for my next meal. It’s delicious, don’t let the term fool you. Then I get to go to job #2 for the evening. Eating right isn’t easy when you’re always on the go, prioritize and plan ahead. #LetsGo 

Let me first say, I genuinely do not care what the scale reads. I’m in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in.  I’m not currently in prep for a show, nor is there one in my thoughts-surgery has to happen first, which is still a long ways away. So, because all parts have me have grown (yessss!!!!  GAINZ), absolutely none of my clothes fit and because I’m trying to pinch pennies here, I can’t really afford to be buying new clothes, I’m trying to drop 10-15. I’ve been toying this around in my head for the last month or more (pretty sure i mentioned it in a previous post) but haven’t buckled down with it. SO I’m gonna try something new. I don’t have a scale at home, so tomorrow at the gym, I’m gonna get on that scale, take a photo of that number and post it to social media. Use it to keep my mental focus on point. No need for judgements or opinions, thanks. I take photos every week so I may or may not include those as well. We’re all human here. This is my process and someone may use it to fuel their own, this is why I’m here.  Now, for some cardio.  Gettin it.    #LetsGo

If your motivation and drive is to grow, you have to get thick skin. Every day, I hear how my muscles are not feminine and I look more like a man. Over the holiday weekend, multiple times, snide ass remarks were thrown my way. I’m not a woman, am I a lesbian, do I realize how manly my muscles make me look. You get the idea. 
It’s hard in this realm, as a woman. It’s a difficult balance to maintain. I will ALWAYS have this struggle as long as I continue to lift. And I wouldn’t change any part of me. 

I’m not your stereotypical girlie girl, with all the muscle, I strive hard to maintain femininity in all other aspects, so sometimes yes I’m human and these comments (mostly by men insecure in their own masculinity) do strike me as hurtful. I am a strong woman, mentally, physically, spiritually. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting when someone insults you. 

your ass I’m gonna show off my ridiculously hard work to GROW!   

I am a mess. I have bunions in both feet as well as bone spurs in both heels. I was in a very bad car accident (I was rear ended) 15 ish years ago that I WAS TRULY BLESSED to walk away from that permanently injured my back and hip. Fitness has not always been a passion, honestly most of my life it felt like a chore so I never critiqued my physique, just did cardio in my younger days. Without realizing it for about 10 years after that car wreck, I favored my right hip. I always shifted my weight to the left side, pushed off from the left, balanced on the left etc.  I realized probably about 5 years ago that my glutes were not symmetrical, the right being significantly underdeveloped compared to the other, that’s when I discovered the hip problem.  I pushed harder to make changes-or so I thought. I kinda just followed blind instruction and believed what I was doing would make the changes I wanted to see in my glute development. I did mostly plyometric movements and some light dumbbell work. Dumbass. I was also doing cardio, a good amount. After a few years (4), I realized with all my work, there wasn’t much growth or symmetry (no duh). So, last year I got myself a gym membership and while admittedly a little intimidated by the equipment and not knowing how to do what exercise, I sucked it up, went in and started pulling heavier weight. Youtube, Google images and Instagram were my bff for a couple months. No one ever really talked to me about mind ➡️ muscle connection. I realized I was just running through the motions for years, I guess I thought the faster I was at something, the better Id be at it. WRONG. I started doing more reading, about nutrition, about what exercise works what, about how many sets and reps, more than anything about glutes. What chic doesn’t want a bangin ass??? I eat, read, slept lifting, I was a sponge, I wanted to learn more-still do and am. So for many months (10) I did my plyometric type stuff in addition to the lifting in the gym (still not too heavy-never a spotter so I didn’t feel like I could push myself too hard- I was just scared) and yes, all that fkn cardio. In that 10 mo span, I did my second stage competition. I felt great, but still didn’t take first. So, a few months ago (about 4), I finally was honest with myself and decided some major adjustments needed to be made to my regime, because obviously I wasn’t seeing the changes I wanted. Some other significant changes were happening in life at that time and it just forced me to be real with myself. It’s my body, I’m working to mold it into what I want, I get to decide what I put it through. So with the help, guidance, and support from a woman I stumbled across via Bret Contreras’ blog (aka the Glute guy), I implemented those changes (ask me about her-she’s amazing). I’m doing more reps and more single leg work to really focus on the development of that right side. I’ve never put more focus into the time the iron is in my hands than I do now. I love the burn, I crave it. I’m excited to get through a workout so I can do the next. Because I feel the changes. The glute activation is so strong, it excites me to know what my backside will look like with 6 months of this. My cardio is minimal. My nutrition is on point, I can eat anything I want as long as it fits in my numbers, the scale reads a number but I don’t care what it is. I’m strong, mentally, spiritually and physically. I’m healthy. Im growing just like I’ve always wanted to.  My hip still bothers me a lot, but I’m way more conscious about it now, and yes, careful.  Still not symmetrical but closer.  

 As a woman, sometimes I question my progress or if there have been any changes. Which is why pictures are so important to take, to monitor progress.  Almost a year to the day apart (the pic on the ⬅️ is today), I’m approximately 10# heavier (maybe 12) now, I’d say I’ve made some gainz. 
   
 
Have an ass slappin Thursday! 

These days, I’m getting asked a lot when I’m going to compete again. Truth be told, I don’t know. I had planned on a May 15 show but because of my broken foot, it had to be put off. 

 3 mos ago, I dramatically changed my workout regime and honestly as much as I HATE change, I’m loving it. I’m focusing more on my glutes. Hard, heavy lifting to build that badonk. I’m slowly making progress, patience grasshoppa (I’m not really known for this being a character trait). Will I compete again? It’s still on my mind, however the time and focus I’m putting in is working. I’m ok right now taking the time to grow. The first shows I did, they were more about the lean out, I needed those experiences to bring me here. I remember my first coach saying “all you really need is 12 weeks”, which is very true if you’re committed. It’s not my path right now. I’m PR’ing every week, even if it’s an extra few reps or 5 lil pounds. Also, I was fucking miserable with the diet the first time, I was tired and HANGRY 24/7, I would have eaten a leather chair of he’d said I was allowed. I swore I wouldn’t do it that way again. The second show, I messed around with a few types of diets to get me to the stage-all requiring me to do 80-90 mins of cardio DAILY. Again, misery. FUCK THAT. I was determined to walk the stage on that show that day so I did it, every day. Even doing all that cardio and diet manipulation, I looked great but still 10# heavier than I wanted to be (as a competitor, you know how much 10# can be). 

So now, I’m slowing it down, growing. Educating myself more about nutrition so that I don’t have to go to extremes like I did before. I know if and when I compete again, a serious shred will be necessary-I’ve enjoyed this bulk, a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving every curve on my body. Matter of fact, my 3* birthday is next month and I’m determined to wear this one dress, and there’s the local bakery, Portos (potato balls=amazeballs), they make this shortbread fruit tart thingy that I could roll around naked in with my mouth wide open and eat it that way, well that’s what I want as my cake. I will mind my p’s and q’s and stick to eating right til then as long as I get it! So you can lead me into temptation but…my will is stronger than yours 😜

Working on some new moves. Unfamiliar territory.  #thick #operationbuildthatbooty 

Late summer 2009 I moved from AZ to CA. My immediate family is all still there. Jumping around- I had my left saline implant leak just over the 10 year mark. I researched surgeons and chose one in HB. He offered me the option of doing my “easy” redo under a local block, which I chose (with the idea of it being a quicker recovery). The day of surgery, I was nervous. They put me almost totally nude on the ice cold table, put the blue sheet in front of my face. Prepped my chest with ice cold betadine. I was shivering so uncontrollably, my teeth were chattering. They injected my breasts with lidocaine. A needle through my nipple. Eff! As soon as he cuts the left, he tells me I have so much scar tissue and that’s what caused my implant to leak. A capsular contracture. “I should have known” he said repeatedly. No anesthesiologist on staff, I’m wide awake and continually poked with needles to stay blocked (all the while he’s telling me the 22g needle is bending bc of how thick the scar tissue is). He attempts to cut away the scar tissue. Fuck my life, OW! Then he can’t control the bleeding so he tried the next thing-electro cautery. This fool tried to burn the tissue inside my breast WHILE IM AWAKE. I proceeded to tell him to stop and do whatever he needed to get me off the table. I didn’t care anymore. I should have been on that table for 30 mins, it was 2 hours. He finished but before closing, he sits me up on the table (I’m telling my nurse im going to vomit), makes me look in a mirror and tell him they look good and I’m happy. As I’m looking at the tubes hanging out of my areolar incision,the tubes connected to the implant that fills it with saline, my soft tissue spilling out out….I just didn’t care, I wanted outa there, I would have barked like a seal if he asked me to. The nurse helps me off the table, puts me in a room by myself to get dressed. I couldn’t even stand upright. Sends me to climb 10 stairs (although there’s an elevator) to my friend who’s waiting for me to take me home. When she saw me she panicked, knowing something was horribly wrong. Needless to say a horrifyingly traumatic experience. I couldn’t speak, just said get me out. I took a Xanax, got home and went to fill my rx for Vicodin and while I was waiting, I felt the nausea take over my body. She got me home barely in time, I puked violently and everywhere. She had to leave, but tucked me in with a trash can and rag. My body was releasing the stress and tension, I puked so violently, my neighbor across the way and 3 doors down came to check on me.

I went for my follow up the next day, feeling better. He was happy with his work, told me my scar tissue would fix itself over time. I believed him. 

Now, here I am, a little over 2 years later, the pain and discomfort only getting worse, and my left breast is hard and distorted. I’ve researched surgeons in LA, sent out an email with basic inquiries to a very prominent media popular Dr, his liaison asked me to send some photos, to which I assumed would be ignored and a request be made for me to come in for consult. She responded with an estimate for recommended procedures, without so much as looking at my breasts in person or discussing my concerns. Talk about feeling like a number!  
I assumed this procedure would not be as easy recovery for me so I debated selecting a surgeon in Tucson, for ease of after care. I found 1 who talked about how he specializes in reconstruction, his reviews are fantastic. I send the email, inquiring about how tolerant would they be of me being in another state. Liaison responded, I called to discuss with her my issues, we agreed I would send her photos. The Dr emailed me back the next day, requested I come in for a consult. I made my appointment, arranged to rent a car. I was up at 5a yesterday, worked out, picked up my rental, went and worked 10 hours, hopped in my badass Honda Odyssey right after I punched out at 10p and drove to Tucson. Got in at 5am, laid down for a couple hours, went and surprised my nieces (1 I hadn’t seen in 4 years), had breakfast with my Ma and went to my consult. He was awesome, I was his last appt of the day, he didn’t rush or look at the clock, he sat with me for an hour, explained all my options thoroughly, answered my questions, took measurements and photos. He didn’t try to influence me in any direction or pressure me. Matter of fact he encouraged me to take time and think about it. 

I was right about how complicated the procedure is going to be, and I didn’t ask about recovery times or how long it would be before I could pick up a weight. 

An den….the quote for cost. Soooo…I’m currently seeking a sugar daddy (or mama).
I tell this story here because it affects me mentally. As a woman with muscle, I get compliments every day. But also shitty remarks about how those muscles lack femininity. How does a woman identify with herself when such a huge part of what makes her a woman is compromised?   Thoughts on my mind on my way back to LA, me and the almost empty I10 late at night.  

 👆 that photo isn’t filtered or edited, btw. I turn grey when I’m sleep deprived.

Friday, usually everyone’s favorite day of the week, I kinda just want to stay in bed. Get it together, Eva-there are too many things to get done. A couple months back, my old truck (my LOVE) lost its power steering AGAIN. Not too big a deal, right? Well, I work late hours and have to street park so by the time I get home it’s a struggle to find parking and forget trying to parallel park an extended cab with no power steering (hey, it’s fkn fantastic arm workout!). Rewind a couple weeks before that-I had also dropped a bench on my foot at the gym that I was carrying to where I needed it and broke a sesamoid bone, so I was wearing one of those restrictive boots. So…here I am in the wee hours of the am, parking my behemoth a city block away, and walking home with this busted foot and I said that’s it, I’m getting a “new” car. Researched something economical and reliable and the Honda line seemed to be the front runner. I look at a few that end up being salvage titles or dirty carfax’s and finally find one. We do the haggle thing and I have a car. Yay! An den -true story-Its proceeded to break down on me multiples times. Always in the middle of the night. Always rendering me unable to drive it, calling AAA, ubering it home. Alright, universe, interesting events you’re presenting to me. A coworker friend helped with it one day, and used his dad’s AAA to get it towed (it needed to go further than my 7 measly allowed miles) (ps did you know they charge you like $10 for each additional mile you go over? Da faq?!). Which brings me to my point of my Friday morning. I’m making cookies for his dad as a thank you, in addition to my Friday ritual of taking fitness pictures to monitor my progress. I hate that part. We’re always our own worst critics and I hate getting almost completely nude and seeing all of what I perceive to be flaws, this is part of the deal-pictures track progress and I need to know the movements/sets/reps that I’m doing are working. Patience is not something I have a lot of but keep reminding myself that it takes time. Eeeek!!!! Aaaaaand I have a pimple. 

When you start to make drastic , healthier changes and choices, you start to lose friends along the way. My immediate circle is so small it doesn’t even form a circle. Not complaining, Id rather have true friends around me than acquaintances. People change, that doesn’t make them less of a person, they just don’t fit in your life the same as they did before. I haven’t told many about this blog yet, but the first was a friend who lives faaarrrr away, whom I’ve never met in person, connected through mutual friends. He’s just as gainz oriented as I am and always sends positive energy my way (we can all use some).  He sent me my first email through this blog and wanted to share his words. Because no matter where you are in your process, or journey, these words apply. You never know who’s watching, who’s using your story to fuel their own fire. I continue to be motivated by those who are motivated.